Even if you are in a really good relationship, there's usually something that one person might want and the other person doesn't or isn't interested in changing.
Here's what one of our newsletter subscribers asked...
"If you are looking to change the relationship, whether it is for more passion or something else, and your partner is not interested, is the only option breaking up? I feel like if you stay together knowing you are looking for something different or more, you may have regrets later in life. Is that true?"
While the decision of whether to leave a relationship, for whatever reason, is certainly an individual one, we believe that there are some ways to explore to see if other options emerge if you are in this kind of situation.
First of all, there are many reasons why people come together and stay together and it's helpful to look at the reasons that brought you together in the first place.
Here are just a few possibilities..
Here are just a few possibilities..
to get out of a bad home-life situation
*safety and security
*friendship
*desire to create a family with children
*to be taken care of or to take care of someone
*passion and love
You might ask yourself what motivated you to be with this person and if possible, ask your partner the same question.
Next, you might ask yourself what are the often unspoken "rules" and expectations in the relationship for both of you that come from those motivations.
These "rules" and expectations have become the foundation of your relationship and when one person wants to change and the other one doesn't, there is certainly a violation of these rules and expectations.
You might ask yourself and your partner these questions...
1. What were the real reasons that you came together?
2. What did you hope to get out of the relationship?
3. Do you still want those things in your relationship?
4. What would you like for this relationship?
Above all, if you are wanting something different for your relationship, be conscious and clear about what you do want.
If you say "I want a deeper connection with you," clarify what that means to you--because those things mean something different to each one of us.
We are suggesting that if this or something similar is your relationship challenge, you take this opportunity to take a look at your relationship and to say "this is what I want." We also suggest that you invite your partner to explore what he/she wants.
An example might go something like this...
*safety and security
*friendship
*desire to create a family with children
*to be taken care of or to take care of someone
*passion and love
You might ask yourself what motivated you to be with this person and if possible, ask your partner the same question.
Next, you might ask yourself what are the often unspoken "rules" and expectations in the relationship for both of you that come from those motivations.
These "rules" and expectations have become the foundation of your relationship and when one person wants to change and the other one doesn't, there is certainly a violation of these rules and expectations.
You might ask yourself and your partner these questions...
1. What were the real reasons that you came together?
2. What did you hope to get out of the relationship?
3. Do you still want those things in your relationship?
4. What would you like for this relationship?
Above all, if you are wanting something different for your relationship, be conscious and clear about what you do want.
If you say "I want a deeper connection with you," clarify what that means to you--because those things mean something different to each one of us.
We are suggesting that if this or something similar is your relationship challenge, you take this opportunity to take a look at your relationship and to say "this is what I want." We also suggest that you invite your partner to explore what he/she wants.
An example might go something like this...
Sam works long hours outside the home and there's not much time for interaction with his partner Fran. Fran wants a deeper, more intimate connection with Sam but he doesn't seem to want it. One of the unspoken rules in their relationship was that Sam signed on to provide Fran financially with anything that she wanted and Fran signed on to be taken care of. The only problem is that now that they are older, she is more independent, making her own money, and she wants more for their relationship. She wants Sam to open up to her, spend more time, and connect deeper with her.
After doing some exploring on the questions that we gave above, Sam and Fran were able to get very clear on what they each wanted in their relationship. They were able to get past the "all or nothing" point by listening to each other and seeing where they might open to each other to get what they both wanted.
In your situation if you have this kind of discussion, there's always the chance that your partner might want something better or different also and you can take this opportunity to create something that perhaps was never there before.
There's also the chance that your partner is happy with the status quo and the old "rules" of the relationship. You may have two different sets of desires and this is usually what happens to couples who break up and go their separate ways.
After doing some exploring on the questions that we gave above, Sam and Fran were able to get very clear on what they each wanted in their relationship. They were able to get past the "all or nothing" point by listening to each other and seeing where they might open to each other to get what they both wanted.
In your situation if you have this kind of discussion, there's always the chance that your partner might want something better or different also and you can take this opportunity to create something that perhaps was never there before.
There's also the chance that your partner is happy with the status quo and the old "rules" of the relationship. You may have two different sets of desires and this is usually what happens to couples who break up and go their separate ways.
So what about regrets if you stay in a relationship that isn't what you want and "settle" for something less? Regrets come from thinking wanting things to be different from what they truly are--and possibly holding onto the thought that the other person might have changed if you had just held on a little longer.
If you thoroughly explore what you both want in your relationship and look at the rules for how each of you want to live, it should become clear whether you want to spend your lives together or not. Even if regrets would surface, you'll be able to look at "what is" rather than hold on to "what I hoped would be."
If you thoroughly explore what you both want in your relationship and look at the rules for how each of you want to live, it should become clear whether you want to spend your lives together or not. Even if regrets would surface, you'll be able to look at "what is" rather than hold on to "what I hoped would be."
Source:Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches, Authors, and Speakers
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