HOW TO HANDLE WOMEN...............

Ok, since I'm a woman myself and I know that all the people are different I try and tend to the random, clichee-like type of women. You know the one all the jokes are about. This is my first instructable and english is not my native language, so I hope you'll have mercy. I'll try and share some of the unspoken secrets of women so that hopefully a little of the mystery around us can be solved. The average woman is a strange and very unpredictable being, and sometimes I see some of my friends having trouble with their girls. So I try and give them some insight of the twisted nature of women and sometimes it helps. If you have any helpful comment please feel free to write it down. And if any fair girl reads this and thinks "what the heck" please just consider yourself lucky for not having these problems.
In my relationship I've learned that talking to each other is mighty important and can lead to all sorts of improvements.
And one more thing: I repeat, there are all kind of women, so the hints I give may or may not work with your girl. Please don't be dissappointed if it didn't work.

Step 1: Women are spiders...

Often you see a woman freaking out about a tiny little itsybitsy spider wich is lost in the bathroom. Well, maybe she's just embarrased to see her own reflection in that small animal. Women tend to weave a (social) net to catch different sorts of prey. Men are the prey that get often caught in such a net - and sometimes they're gobbled up after mating, or in other terms, used and thrown away.
When you get to know a "normal" woman, you immediately get caught in the net. If you have a girlfriend of your own, you will be observed by Miss Spider. If your'e gay and consider yourself lucky for having a boyfriend, you'll still be observed but you are much more safe. If you want Miss spider to be your girl, well, you'll have to go deeper into the net...
There are murderously cunning traps in it and you have to be very careful, since, the deeper you get in, the difficult it will be to get out. That is, if you can get out.

One day young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. 
So he made Arthur drink a poison that would kill him within a year. If however Arthur could answer a very difficult question then the monarch would give Arthur the antidote to spare his life. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would die. 
The question was: "WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?" 
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. 
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she exacted. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. 

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: 
"WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS IS TO BE ABLE TO BE IN CHARGE OF HER OWN LIFE !" 
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him the antidote. 

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. 
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. 
The wedding night approached: 

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. 

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. 
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), that half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which form would he want her to be during the day and which form during the night? 

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to the world, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?...Or...would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? 

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. 
Because is it not what every woman wants? To be in charge of her own life? 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. 

WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THIS STORY ?! 

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. 

Underneath it all... she's still a witch!